Growing Up is Hard

It's been over a month since I've posted. There is a lot happening, but at the same time nothing is happening. Michael is growing up so fast. He never stays swaddled anymore, he always finds a way to wiggle out. Then he has discovered that if he pushes with his feet really hard he can scoot his way all the way across the floor. I am so not ready for all of this to happen yet. Tyler is pretty much done with everything he needs to do to become a CNA; which is super exciting. The next step is for him to pass off vital signs (if his teacher would ever email him back) and take the state test. Then he applies for school... We'll see how that goes. I am so proud of him. I am also scared about where this next step in our lives is going to take us. I mean, are we really going to stay here for the rest of our lives? But are we ready for our lives to change? We live in a basement apartment, where there are way too many spiders and the washer doesn't work. I am constantly finding myself at my in-laws house because I either have nothing to do or because I have to do laundry. What am I doing? I am currently sitting at home watching a bunch of Lifetime movies that are about pregnant teenagers and bad relationships. Most of them are really weird... I think I have no life. I want to be out and about, but at the same time I don't. So this isn't something that I usually just put out there... I really just need to let it out. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with clinical depression. And I really don't know why but I just always seemed to blame myself for things that happened to the people I love. When I moved to Utah I got even worse, then I found Tyler and things got a little better. Then I had baby. I love Michael more than anything! And I don't know what I would do without this little angel in my life, but it isn't all perfect. With my history of depression it wasn't a huge surprise when after Michael was born I had really bad postpartum... well still do. I am on medication for it, which I hate. Before I got pregnant I got to the point where I didn't need pills anymore. I hate that I have to be on them. I am having a really hard time getting out of the house. I want to do things, I start things but never finish them... and I know that I have friends here but sometimes I just feel like I'm all alone. I have Tyler and I know that he loves me more than anything but we need time with friends. We need to enjoy things that we used to do. I need someone to watch chick flicks with... he needs someone to go paintballing with...

Life as a Mommy

Has it really been five weeks? Time really does fly! I can't believe I am a mom, Michael makes every day better. I am so grateful for my family and all they did for us this past few weeks. I love each and every one of them! Wish we could see them more. I am also really grateful for my in-laws for all they do. This last Sunday was Mother's day and they really surprised me by getting my favorite flower (Orchid). Anyway back to motherhood. I guess I didn't really plan for how fast this little guy was going to grow. The first time he did tummy time he rolled from his front to his back! I mean, he isn't allowed to change this fast! I am not ready for my little boy to grow up. I am just thinking of all those cute newborn clothes that he is about to grow out of. Good thing we have tons more clothes. Now I am just trying to get used to the fact that he is more awake during the day than he used to be. I mean sure he still sleeps a fair amount but I get to see smiles and eyeballs more each day! Sleep during the night has also gotten better. We went from waking up every half hour to every four, which makes mommy and daddy very happy. One thing that I've noticed about myself since I've become a mommy... I get really annoyed at the smallest things. Tell you right now, I have vacuumed my family room more times in the last two days then I probably did in the last three months. Is that sad? There are just way to many little ants crawling around!!! Maybe it is the fact that I now have to be more conscious about where I put Michael down, mainly because I don't want things all over him. I have also been really conscious about doing dishes and making the bed, things that lacked during my pregnancy. I would be fine with all of these things if I wasn't getting tired of being home. I mean, I can only watch so much Netflix; and reading to a sleeping baby is ok... but I need human interaction! My goal is to start going on more walks. Something I am really grateful for is my amazing husband. He does so much for us. He wakes up at around 4am to go to work, then he comes home and spends time with us. Then on Tuesdays and Thursdays he goes to class from 6-9pm. But he still says that if I need his help during the night with baby that he will do all he can to help. I think one of my favorite things that has happened recently is his sleeping side by side with Michael. The other night I just couldn't get him to calm down and sleep, I even sang to him which usually works! Anyway Ty was right next to me on the bed and when he saw that I was about to lose it from lack of sleep he offered to take the little guy. Before I knew it they were both fast asleep. Even though they were right in the middle of the bed I just couldn't move them, they were too cute! I ended up sleeping on the couch for a couple hours, which was fine with me as long as baby was sleeping. I just hope he knows how much I love him. Well, I hope this works for now! I haven't blogged in a really long time. But I want to start keeping a record of this little guy. :)