Spirit of Revelation

So I know this isn't exactly about the family or our daily lives. But I feel that it is just as important. Today while Michael slept I had the opportunity to read my scriptures as well as read a chapter from the Teachings of Howard W. Hunter. Being a nursery teacher doesn't really give me the chance to listen to the lessons on Sunday so I'm a little behind. Anyway, as I read I got the repeated message of the importance of the Holy Ghost. I also had the understanding of some of the events that happened during the resurrection. They were things that I'd never before thought were important or fully understood. First, the Holy Ghost is a gift and we can receive revelation or comfort through him at any time as long as we are faithful to the gospel of Christ. When I was a teenager (weird to say seeing as that wasn't very long ago) I may not have always made the right choices. There was a time in my life that I turned away from the gospel simply because I wanted to enjoy things of the world. I wanted to be the girl with a steady boyfriend, I wanted to be noticed for the things I did... and for a long time I didn't really care who I hurt in the process. Even if that included hurting myself. In doing these things, in believing that the praise and acknowledgments I got from the world were more important then my spiritual well being. I turned away from the guidance offered to my by my Heavenly Father. I turned away from the gift that when all the worldly things left I really needed to give me comfort, to give me strength to come back. As a mother, I think I am now starting to understand what it means to hurt when your children hurt. Yes, Michael isn't quite one yet (one week from today) but it still hurts to hear and see him cry. In those situations where I really can't do anything for him, it hurts even worse. It is the moments when you have to let him cry to learn that is the worst. And because of this I wish I'd done better when I was a teenager, because I am starting to understand how hard it was for my parents to see me suffer as I went through trials. As I endured things that could have possibly been avoided if I'd just listened to that still small voice. There are still times where I wish I could take it all back, but I also have to wonder if I'd be where I am now if I'd lead a different life. Second, there is an eternal plan and reason for everything in this life. As I read from the Teachings of Howard W. Hunter I had the realization that the tomb of Christ was guarded for a reason. The people went to Pilate and pleaded with him to set a guard so that Christ's apostles couldn't remove his body and claim that he had risen as prophesied. But because there were guards there to ensure this they were a witness to angels coming to push away the stone from the door. This was all part of the plan, to ensure that there were people there to witness and testify of God's power. And to testify to the truth that Christ had been resurrected. I know that Heavenly Father provides for his people, and that he provides a way when the first is obscured. I know that this has happened in my life. As I watch my little boy grow I hope to be able to instill these truths in him. I hope that I can teach him the teachings of Christ. But above all I hope that he will listen to the Holy Ghost so that when he comes to choosing between right and wrong that he will know which way to go.

Wife and Mother

First I'd like to say that I wrote a huge blog yesterday all about the scriptures and the spirit of revelation which I thought was pretty inspired. However, I guess my blog decided it wasn't worth posting so it isn't there. Kind of very upset that it didn't post. Now onto my blog for today... I guess I want to talk about what it means to be a wife and mother suffering from depression. At least from my point of view. It is freaking hard! I used to think I could do it all, but I guess life has finally caught back up with me. Having depression is a real thing, and it isn't the easiest thing to shake off. There are a lot of people out there that would say "just don't feel sad" or "be happy". But it isn't that simple. I don't really know why I feel the way I do. I don't understand the thoughts I have most of the time and I don't know why I take offense to every single thing that doesn't go right in my life. But I do anyway. I feel like I'm not doing enough as a mother or as a wife. I feel like I should do more, but don't know where to start. I have thoughts that life would be better if I'd never gotten this far... I think that Tyler would have a better life if he'd never met me. He tells me that isn't true. And deep down I know he's right, but I still think it. Even when I should be happy I'm not, or my happiness doesn't last, and I can't comprehend what I'm doing wrong that makes me unhappy. I get upset when I can't be with my family, I take offense to not being invited to spend time with friends. I pick fights over nothing, like how I don't want to choose what we do today but don't want to do what Ty wants. It's the little things like that, the small things that scare me. Because I can't see a logical explanation for what I do. It is because of these things that I feel like a terrible wife and a terrible mother. I want to be happy for my growing boy, I want to find joy in my time with Tyler. I want to have more children... but what kind of mother would I be if I was like this for their whole life? Sorry if this topic is really heavy for those reading. But most of the time I feel, alone. I used to think that things would get better on their own, that I could use the techniques I've learned in therapy to cope with all of this, but I can't. Maybe it is just the situation I've found myself in. Maybe it is the reality of moving away from family and friends that is finally hitting me. I need to be stronger, I want to be stronger for my family. Because I don't want to be numb anymore. I don't want to have mood swings that ruin an otherwise perfect day. Everyone around me says how strong I am and how amazing they think I am for the things I do. But when it really comes to what I think... I can't find the strength to believe them. I wish I could... How do I become the mother Michael needs, the mother I want to be for any future children? How do I become the wife Tyler deserves?