Wife and Mother

First I'd like to say that I wrote a huge blog yesterday all about the scriptures and the spirit of revelation which I thought was pretty inspired. However, I guess my blog decided it wasn't worth posting so it isn't there. Kind of very upset that it didn't post. Now onto my blog for today... I guess I want to talk about what it means to be a wife and mother suffering from depression. At least from my point of view. It is freaking hard! I used to think I could do it all, but I guess life has finally caught back up with me. Having depression is a real thing, and it isn't the easiest thing to shake off. There are a lot of people out there that would say "just don't feel sad" or "be happy". But it isn't that simple. I don't really know why I feel the way I do. I don't understand the thoughts I have most of the time and I don't know why I take offense to every single thing that doesn't go right in my life. But I do anyway. I feel like I'm not doing enough as a mother or as a wife. I feel like I should do more, but don't know where to start. I have thoughts that life would be better if I'd never gotten this far... I think that Tyler would have a better life if he'd never met me. He tells me that isn't true. And deep down I know he's right, but I still think it. Even when I should be happy I'm not, or my happiness doesn't last, and I can't comprehend what I'm doing wrong that makes me unhappy. I get upset when I can't be with my family, I take offense to not being invited to spend time with friends. I pick fights over nothing, like how I don't want to choose what we do today but don't want to do what Ty wants. It's the little things like that, the small things that scare me. Because I can't see a logical explanation for what I do. It is because of these things that I feel like a terrible wife and a terrible mother. I want to be happy for my growing boy, I want to find joy in my time with Tyler. I want to have more children... but what kind of mother would I be if I was like this for their whole life? Sorry if this topic is really heavy for those reading. But most of the time I feel, alone. I used to think that things would get better on their own, that I could use the techniques I've learned in therapy to cope with all of this, but I can't. Maybe it is just the situation I've found myself in. Maybe it is the reality of moving away from family and friends that is finally hitting me. I need to be stronger, I want to be stronger for my family. Because I don't want to be numb anymore. I don't want to have mood swings that ruin an otherwise perfect day. Everyone around me says how strong I am and how amazing they think I am for the things I do. But when it really comes to what I think... I can't find the strength to believe them. I wish I could... How do I become the mother Michael needs, the mother I want to be for any future children? How do I become the wife Tyler deserves?