Update

So just to clarify, I have to be one of the worst bloggers ever! And now that that is out of the way, here is an update on our little family! Tyler is a good way into his fall semester at University of Hawaii Hilo where he is doing his prerecs for the nursing program. I am still working on my degree in Elementary Education and well, I am currently hating my class. I am currently in a Hawaiian History class where I am one of two students that actually owns the book. Oh well, at least I finally settled on what I want to do with my life. We are both still working at Dominos, and although it isn't the ideal job, it helps pay the bills. Michael recently started breaking out in hives so we are still trying to figure out what he is allergic to. Unfortunately the doctors just want to keep him on allergy medicine instead of figuring out what is causing the reaction. I guess that works, as long as my little man doesn't have to suffer. He isn't officially 18 months yet, but we have his current numbers. He is 2' 7" and 28 lbs. I can't believe he is getting so big! What happened to my baby? Other than hives he is a happy healthy little boy. I don't however think I'm ready for the attitude he is acquiring. In other news we might be getting a bigger apartment soon! We've been working with the income housing people here in Hilo and are in the final steps of finding a place. I am so excited! Don't get me wrong, I love where we are living now, we just need more room. Michael has his own bed, but somehow he always ends up sleeping in ours. It would be nice to just be able to put him in his bed and close the door. Ty thinks we might have one before Halloween, truthfully I will be happy if we have it before Thanksgiving. It would certainly make life a little easier. So there ya go! Just a small update on what's been going on.

Here is a throwback to last fall. I really need to take some more pictures!

Looking Back

So even though it is almost two months late, I just finished Michael's 'First Year' book. As I put all of the photos in I couldn't help but think back to everything. This year really has been crazy for this little guy! In all honesty he isn't going to remember more than half of it (if at all), but I will! This year went from living in Logan, Utah and going to daycare with other babies to staying at home with mom or dad in Hilo, Hawaii. We went on a handful of trips. First we hiked up Mt. Timpanogos to the caves. Then we went to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving with the Schiffman family. And finally we flew to our new home in Hawaii. As a mother, I'm glad I had so many people that supported me through all of this! (hiking up to caves with a nursing baby is crazy). I also don't know what I'd do without Tyler there to keep me somewhat sane. This month marks out two year anniversary. I know, for a lot of you that is going to seem pretty insane. A one year old already! Yes.. really. But it hasn't been the easiest two years either. I guess I shouldn't have expected much less. It is hard moving somewhere when it is just two people, not to mention a young family where both of you are still in school. If we didn't have the support of friends and family I don't know where we'd be right now. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if we'd waited until one of us had graduated school. Would things be at least a little easier? Would we be in Hawaii? Then I realize that if we had waited, we wouldn't have our amazing little boy. I think I would be lost without this little man!

Trying to Believe in Faith

I wish I could say that life is grand and that living in Hawaii truly is paradise. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it is... but right now not so much. It was a year ago, not too long after Michael was born, that Tyler told me that we were meant to move here. To my surprise I followed that feeling and followed him here. With multiple promptings and a confirmation from the Holy Ghost, what was I supposed to do? I made a commitment that I would follow Tyler wherever we were meant to go, and I still will. But sometimes I start to wonder if we are really meant to be here. Then other times I try to understand why. Trust me, it does nothing but give you a huge headache when you try to understand the grand design of your life. It wasn't until the other day when Tyler told me how he felt that I really started to question faith. Why are we here? How could this be where we are supposed to be when through everything we do we fall flat. One thing after another goes wrong and we are stuck in this perpetual questioning state. Trying to comfort Tyler I talked about how all of these things are going wrong because we are meant to be here and someone really wants us to give in and go back to Utah. Why else would it be so hard? I also tried to find the blessings that we have seen since moving here. We have a great ward family and because of them we have an apartment. Although it isn't much, it is more than we would have without them. We have food on our table (figurative speech- we don't actually own a table) and we have jobs that pay for other needs. What more could we want? To be honest? There are many things we miss about Utah and being close to family. Monday is Memorial Day meaning his family is most likely spending the weekend boating if the weather is nice. We miss that, being able to spend time with family, we miss Sunday dinners and we miss having the knowledge that we could see family. Now although we are starting to make friends here it is still hard... I want to believe that we are here for a reason. I want to believe that things are going wrong because we are meant to be here. But it is hard to keep the faith when you start to break. It is hard to say everything will be alright when the car breaks, gets fixed then breaks again. The car that Ty depends on for work. It is hard to have faith when doctors say your little one needs blood tests to watch his white cell count. It is hard to have faith when you yourself are broken. I want to have faith that there is someone here that needs us. I want to understand that reason, without it... I don't know where we are going to wind up. Tyler and I miss our families and friends and are contemplating whether we should go back or not. Right now I don't know. It sure would make more sense than moving here did. But I am trying to believe in faith. If I don't have faith than what is there? There have been many instances in my life where I've asked myself that question. And some instances where I lost faith completely. I don't want that to happen again.

Faith and Patience

Recently I've been given the opportunity to stay at home with my little boy while I watch another little baby girl. I am ecstatic! I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and even though it isn't going to be a permanent thing, maybe it will open more doors for me. Things are starting to look up, even though there are times where it just seems like things are going wrong. Hopefully it will continue to go this way. Ty is on summer break so he is able to work more hours. Both a good and bad thing. But I know that he loves me and wants what is best for our little family. I just need to have a little more faith and patience.

Spirit of Revelation

So I know this isn't exactly about the family or our daily lives. But I feel that it is just as important. Today while Michael slept I had the opportunity to read my scriptures as well as read a chapter from the Teachings of Howard W. Hunter. Being a nursery teacher doesn't really give me the chance to listen to the lessons on Sunday so I'm a little behind. Anyway, as I read I got the repeated message of the importance of the Holy Ghost. I also had the understanding of some of the events that happened during the resurrection. They were things that I'd never before thought were important or fully understood. First, the Holy Ghost is a gift and we can receive revelation or comfort through him at any time as long as we are faithful to the gospel of Christ. When I was a teenager (weird to say seeing as that wasn't very long ago) I may not have always made the right choices. There was a time in my life that I turned away from the gospel simply because I wanted to enjoy things of the world. I wanted to be the girl with a steady boyfriend, I wanted to be noticed for the things I did... and for a long time I didn't really care who I hurt in the process. Even if that included hurting myself. In doing these things, in believing that the praise and acknowledgments I got from the world were more important then my spiritual well being. I turned away from the guidance offered to my by my Heavenly Father. I turned away from the gift that when all the worldly things left I really needed to give me comfort, to give me strength to come back. As a mother, I think I am now starting to understand what it means to hurt when your children hurt. Yes, Michael isn't quite one yet (one week from today) but it still hurts to hear and see him cry. In those situations where I really can't do anything for him, it hurts even worse. It is the moments when you have to let him cry to learn that is the worst. And because of this I wish I'd done better when I was a teenager, because I am starting to understand how hard it was for my parents to see me suffer as I went through trials. As I endured things that could have possibly been avoided if I'd just listened to that still small voice. There are still times where I wish I could take it all back, but I also have to wonder if I'd be where I am now if I'd lead a different life. Second, there is an eternal plan and reason for everything in this life. As I read from the Teachings of Howard W. Hunter I had the realization that the tomb of Christ was guarded for a reason. The people went to Pilate and pleaded with him to set a guard so that Christ's apostles couldn't remove his body and claim that he had risen as prophesied. But because there were guards there to ensure this they were a witness to angels coming to push away the stone from the door. This was all part of the plan, to ensure that there were people there to witness and testify of God's power. And to testify to the truth that Christ had been resurrected. I know that Heavenly Father provides for his people, and that he provides a way when the first is obscured. I know that this has happened in my life. As I watch my little boy grow I hope to be able to instill these truths in him. I hope that I can teach him the teachings of Christ. But above all I hope that he will listen to the Holy Ghost so that when he comes to choosing between right and wrong that he will know which way to go.

Wife and Mother

First I'd like to say that I wrote a huge blog yesterday all about the scriptures and the spirit of revelation which I thought was pretty inspired. However, I guess my blog decided it wasn't worth posting so it isn't there. Kind of very upset that it didn't post. Now onto my blog for today... I guess I want to talk about what it means to be a wife and mother suffering from depression. At least from my point of view. It is freaking hard! I used to think I could do it all, but I guess life has finally caught back up with me. Having depression is a real thing, and it isn't the easiest thing to shake off. There are a lot of people out there that would say "just don't feel sad" or "be happy". But it isn't that simple. I don't really know why I feel the way I do. I don't understand the thoughts I have most of the time and I don't know why I take offense to every single thing that doesn't go right in my life. But I do anyway. I feel like I'm not doing enough as a mother or as a wife. I feel like I should do more, but don't know where to start. I have thoughts that life would be better if I'd never gotten this far... I think that Tyler would have a better life if he'd never met me. He tells me that isn't true. And deep down I know he's right, but I still think it. Even when I should be happy I'm not, or my happiness doesn't last, and I can't comprehend what I'm doing wrong that makes me unhappy. I get upset when I can't be with my family, I take offense to not being invited to spend time with friends. I pick fights over nothing, like how I don't want to choose what we do today but don't want to do what Ty wants. It's the little things like that, the small things that scare me. Because I can't see a logical explanation for what I do. It is because of these things that I feel like a terrible wife and a terrible mother. I want to be happy for my growing boy, I want to find joy in my time with Tyler. I want to have more children... but what kind of mother would I be if I was like this for their whole life? Sorry if this topic is really heavy for those reading. But most of the time I feel, alone. I used to think that things would get better on their own, that I could use the techniques I've learned in therapy to cope with all of this, but I can't. Maybe it is just the situation I've found myself in. Maybe it is the reality of moving away from family and friends that is finally hitting me. I need to be stronger, I want to be stronger for my family. Because I don't want to be numb anymore. I don't want to have mood swings that ruin an otherwise perfect day. Everyone around me says how strong I am and how amazing they think I am for the things I do. But when it really comes to what I think... I can't find the strength to believe them. I wish I could... How do I become the mother Michael needs, the mother I want to be for any future children? How do I become the wife Tyler deserves?

Deciding What is Best

There is a lot that has happened since the last time I wrote. Ty and I both got jobs working at Domino's, but it's not exactly a career path. Tyler is still in classes and just went back after (hopefully) enjoying his spring break. I just started a new class, to go with my new major choice. Maybe this will be the one that finally fits me? I'm still doing generals... but I'm getting there. Lately I've been longing to start working from home. It isn't that I don't like working at Domino's, I just don't think it is the best fit for me. However, working from home isn't as easy as I thought it might be. Tyler is trying to find a CNA job still, and when he eventually does I am hoping that we can move into a little larger apartment. If we do find one then I might be able to start watching a few of the children from our ward... I love working with kids! Is it always easy? No, but by doing that I'd at least get to be with Michael and help him make friends. Maybe it would help me make friends a little easier as well. But until that time I was thinking about starting up my photography again. I just don't have a clue as to how I'd go about starting. I take pictures of Michael all the time and love editing them. But I need to get an opportunity photographing others. If I could just find someone willing to believe in me!

Michael is doing well. I can't believe he is almost one year old. I'm not ready for that at all. He still eats non-stop and has eight teeth with one cutting through. Each day with him is an adventure and I can't wait to watch him grow even more. We don't really have a huge celebration planned for his birthday. What can you really do for a one year old? I guess we are going to take pictures of him smashing cake and opening presents. But do one year olds really need huge parties? It might have been bigger if we were around family. But we will have family coming to visit soon! Great-Grandma and Grandpa York are going to stop by on Mother's day (Hilo is a stop on their Hawaiian Cruise). So that will be fun. They haven't seen lil' man since my cousin got married last summer. Then our friend Tanner is going to try and visit sometime in May. Although, we don't have a date... *wink wink* he hasn't met Michael yet and I know they are going to love each other! Then the Schiffmans are planning a trip this summer to come see us. Hopefully by them things will be a little easier for us. But eh... life is what it is. We try to take it one day at a time. Easter was fun! We got pictures with the Easter bunny at the mall. And Michael was fun to watch when it came to his basket. Because he didn't really know what it was he just pointed at it. It wasn't until he discovered that the eggs had things in them that he got super excited. But I'm pretty sure he enjoyed the things in mommy's basket a little more... seeing as mommy had chocolate. What else is going on, lets see. We love watching Veggie Tales and Little Einsteins. We finally got a crib, and he is doing surprisingly well. He has yet to sleep in it the entire night but who has time to fight at 2 am? We are completely off baby food and are starting cows milk soon! Yay!

New Year

So I realize that it has been quite a while since I've posted. I guess I'm not quite as good at this whole blogging things as I'd hoped. Anyway it is the beginning of a new year and looking back at 2015 I can't believe we've made it this far. A year ago I was still pregnant and anxiously awaiting our little boy. In April we welcomed Michael Ray into our little family and Tyler started classes to become a CNA. Toward the end of the year we told everyone that we had been prompted to move to Hawaii. And if there is anything this trio knows about promptings, it's that you listen to them. So we started the process of looking for a place to live and moving. December 2015 we moved from Logan to Hilo Hawaii. Two towns that are about the same size... actually kinda funny really. We were blessed with a member family that graciously let us rent their O'hana. We spent Christmas here, small but full of love. And celebrated the new year. Tyler and I are currently looking for jobs while our little boy grows before our eyes. He has officially started to crawl! He has four teeth and constantly likes to show them off to mommy, usually by biting while nursing. We can walk from our little home to multiple stores and are within a short walk from the ocean. It is winter which means more rain, not actually a bad thing. I will take rain over snow any day, and the rain helps cool things down. I am not looking forward to the humidity that is a Hawaiian summer! We are making friends slowly but surely and are staring to understand what it means to live away from family. You definitely have to rely on each other for strength. No, things haven't been easy, nor did we really expect them to be. We don't really have money or worldly possessions that might make life a little easier. But we have love... and I think that will be enough. You have to work for the things you want, but as long as you have what you need you'll be alright. Tyler starts school in a week, which might make things a little harder but we are willing to work at it. I am currently still in classes through University of Phoenix and praying that I'll make it through this next class alive. (Personal finance... yay?) Anyway, that's us... hopefully as the years progresses I'll be better at this whole blogging thing.