Moving Forward

I think I've mentioned before how hard it's been for me to make friends. I'm not saying I don't have any; it's just difficult for me to put myself in situations where I'm able to make new friends. This has been the same ever since I first moved out to Utah. But as a stay-at-home mom I'm really starting to lose my mind not having friends to go out with or plan play dates. In all honesty, I just need more reasons to get out of the house! With Michael and his speech, we've discussed that it might help for him to be in more social situations during the week. However, we can't afford daycare and since I'm not working there isn't really a reason for it. But I would like him to be around kids his own age. I just don't really know where to start. I know that there are a couple days a week where they have reading time at the library, but with only one car it isn't always the easiest to get there. Not that I mind riding the bus, but it isn't always fun loading and unloading a stroller (especially when the small one is usually stuck in the trunk when I decide to go anywhere). And I'm no stranger to walking, but with how hot it's been the last week or so I can only do that a couple times a week. So what do I do? Not only do I need out, but Michael does too. When we are home, I'm sad to say, we watch a lot of shows/movies. Screen time management is really hard, mostly because my migraines have been more frequent. I'm hoping that if I can get him into doing other activities, it won't be as bad when I do have a migraine and turn a show on for him.

Moving on... I'm always halfway through my third class this semester. And it isn't terrible but at the same time it's hard to manage class and two kids. (I'ts also hard to just find the motivation to do my assignments). I really would like to graduate and have a college degree for when I finally decide to go back to work, but I just don't know if this is what I want to do or if it's what I'm meant to do. Right now I'm studying to get my teaching degree in elementary ed. I love kids and loved working with them the times that I worked at Little Red Sirens, or Little Wonders. I just don't know anymore. There are so many things that I wish I could do better or that I'd like to try. I'm just mediocre at most things and don't know where I'd go to get better. I'd love to improve my photography, I'd love to get back to writing (if I could find something worth writing about), and I'd love to go back to playing cello/be better at cello. The only thing I've gotten back into even just a little is reading and even that is a little here, a little there.

I feel like most of this blog has just been me rambling... my point is that I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I love being a mom and it is definitely a blessing; but I need more to do. I feel like I need a purpose. I need something I'm really good at... something I can share with those around me.

Mother of Two

So I haven't really been on the computer since my stroke. With how my handwriting suffered I wasn't really in a rush to find out how bad my typing was. But I am going to give this a try. Life with two little boys is hard, I'm not going to lie. However, I feel extremely blessed to be the mother to these two amazing children. They really are children of God and it shows in everything they do; especially when it comes to Michael. I feel so blessed to watch him grow and learn. Even if there are times when he has an attitude and drives me up a wall I still love him. When he throws tantrums or does the opposite of what we tell him I just have to remember that he is only two and will learn if we continue to teach him. I never would have thought that life would lead us to where we are now. If you asked us where we'd be two years ago we would have told you we would still be in Hawaii while Tyler did nursing school. I guess that wasn't the plan though. I never thought we'd be starting over for the third time in our marriage; but that's what happens when you move across an ocean. Not that I'm complaining, we enjoyed our time in Hilo and wouldn't change it for anything. But the way things are going it's hard not to think about where we would be if we hadn't moved. Anyway I'm getting off track. Benjamin in a little over two weeks old and he is such a good baby. He sleeps a lot still, but that's normal. He is getting better at nursing which I'm very grateful for... He is also well above where they expected his weight to be. All in all we couldn't be happier. The only complaint I have at the moment is that because Michael isn't sleeping in his own room, it is sometimes a guessing game on if he wakes up when I feed Benjamin. So far there have been a couple nights where he wakes up at four when Tyler gets up to get ready for work (coincidentally also a time Benjamin has picked to eat most nights) and won't go back to sleep until after five. My hope is that we will have the opportunity to get Michael comfortable sleeping in his own bed and own room. As for being a big brother, Michael loves it. The first time he came to visit us in the hospital he was more interested in eating my cookie, but he has gradually warmed up to having a little one around. He loves to come up and give him kisses, always wants to lay next to him, is really good at patting his tummy when he is upset, and he loves to hold his brother. In fact he loves holding him so much that no one else is allowed to touch Benjamin when he is holding him. (It is quite hilarious). We moved into our own apartment this week, meaning it has been me at home alone with the boys until Tyler gets home from work. He took this week off of school in order to help me get adjusted to being with the boys by myself. So far it hasn't been terrible. I'm really trying to get away from watching TV all day so hopefully soon we will be able to navigate the bus system. Then my next big thing is going to the park hoping that Michael understands that I also have brother. Eventually I will get this two kids thing down, everyone else does right? Until then I guess I'll just do the best I can and be grateful for any help I get.

Update: I wrote this a couple months ago, but never published it. Benjamin is now over two months old and doing great! He has almost doubled his birth weight and is such a happy baby. Michael continues to be a great big brother! Every time Benjamin cries, Michael is right there to pat him and give him a hug. And although there are times when Michael wants me to come with him and I can't because I'm feeding Benjamin, he is slowly understanding that I will help him as soon as I can. Emphasis on slowly, because he is only two and still has a big temper. As for Michael and his development, I finally broke down and started the evaluation process for speech therapy. His next two evaluations are this week and we are praying that they go well. I just want to be able to help him communicate more and get back up to where other kids his age are.