Where has all the time gone?

It's been a ridiculously long time since I've posted a new blog post. Mostly because life became one big thing after the next. I guess the normal thing to do would be to fill everyone in on all the ins and outs of the Schiffman family. But really I just need a place to vent. There's all these blogs and forums for parents that go through loss-but I can never bring myself to post on them or reach out to someone. Mostly because I feel like my pain, my suffering, my loss isn't comparable to others. They've lost more than me. Who am I to be down when I still have a little girl after this whole debockle? I carried twins for 32 weeks (34? I don't remember anymore). I had two lives growing inside of me and now have one three year old. Every time I think back to everything leading up to that last week I wonder what it is I could have done differently. I lifted a heavy box from my classroom we'd cleaned out; could that have set things in motion? I wasn't as active as I should have been. Every thought leads back to me asking, am I at fault? So many others out there would say no, things just happen sometimes. Over the last three years I've tried to move past it. I'm teaching, which I mostly enjoy. I mean, like any job out there it's bound to have ups and downs. I have three kids that are usually well behaved. (Aside from summer break because ya know: ADHD, autism, and anxiety do so well without schedules). I wrote and self published a book for crying out loud and started working on the next one. Yet, I still find myself triggered and crying over the most random things. Be it cleaning out the baby furniture so we can finish our basement, or reading a book where they have a baby. I always go back to those questions. What could I have done differently? There is a part of me, small as it is, that wonders if this is my punishment for all the things I've done. I snuck out in high school. Dated people I shouldn't have. I left the church I grew up in because I didn't ever feel like I belonged. Is this my punishement for all of that? Because if so, screw that. Another part says hey, maybe things do just happen and some day, somewhere down the line things won't be like this anymore. Maybe my books will take off and I'll be famous (doubtful). Maybe as my daughter grows it'll get easier after there's no more "firsts". Maybe, just maybe it'll all fade into the background as more important things take precedence. Anyway- thanks for listening if you stuck around for the rant. I'll be okay, someday.

Worst Mother in the World

I'm always afraid that I am messing up as a mother. I let my children stay in pajamas/undies most of the day some days. I let my children watch shows and movies a lot while I try to do homework. I cry in front of my boys, I send them to time out, and sometimes when the time calls for it they get a spanking. Does that make me the worst mother in the world? Gee I sure hope not. I'm not perfect. I suffer from depression and anxiety and it never stops. Some days it's hard to get out of bed. Some days my kids eat nothing but cinnamon sugar toast for breakfast. But they are still alive, they still laugh and smile, they are at the top of the growth charts and just keep going. So maybe I'm doing ok.
I've been doing some serious thinking about getting a tablet for Michael so he can play educational games for a monitored amount of time. But I dont know. I'm back to being a stay-at-home mom and if I don't spend more time helping him write/do crafts/or practice numbers I would feel like a failure. But I dont know where to start really. We do countdowns to special events, and we try to read books. I even got the "I see Sam" books so if he wants we can start working on reading.
I try to be a good member of the church and keep up with my scripture and Come Follow Me studies. I try to share the gospel with the boys because I know that's how things are going now. But with a 4 year old and a 2 year old family home evening is hard to do. Most of the time the lesson revolves around an event of the day/week. (We've been doing a lot of sharing and using nice words). But if I get a lesson in at all I'm happy.
Today my kids ran out of a Mavrick and into the pumping area before I could run after them. Ten minutes later my oldest had a huge accident all over the floor of a Dollar Tree. The workers understood, but a lot of the customers scoffed and stared at me in disgust. I went back to my car, changed my son into clean undies in the parking lot then cried in my car. Does that make me the worst mom in the world? No, it makes me human and vulnerable. Most times I try to just make it day to day. But I keep trying. My boys know I love them. And in the end that's what really matters.

Exhausted and wishing

It isn't new information that I struggle with depression. But lately I've been having more trouble with it and I wish my husband and my children didn't have to deal with that. I'm either one extreme or the other and that just makes things worse. I struggle with finding the middle and sometimes it scares me what comes out of my mouth or what thoughts come to my mind. I feel like a terrible mother and a terrible wife because of it. I would never intentionally hurt my boys.

Tyler tries so hard to be there for me through everything, but I know that my constantly changing moods weigh down on him. He works so hard to support out little family. I don't want to put any more pressure on him. I'm afraid that I'm going to push him away to the point where he just can't try anymore.

With everything else I'm struggling with energy, I just want to sleep all the time. I worry too much about my body image, always have though. So I blame my lack of energy for gaining weight and therefore try to compensate for that by eating less or trying to eat healthier and work out. Big surprise? I eat more because of my depression and just feel worse because of it. It is because of this I go in a never ending cycle. I want to pull myself out of this and I've tried a lot of different things, I just haven't found the right thing yet.

Side note- the boys are doing well. We've all kind of had colds for the last week or two. Michael is doing well in Preschool. His teacher loves his empathy. Benjamin is progressing well and is speaking more every day. It still seems weird to me because of Michael's speech delay. They are such good friends (Most of the time) and love playing, dancing and reading books.

Strong Enough

It's been a while since I really sat down and wrote about how things are going in the Schiffman household. So here are a few updates. Tyler is moving up in the world of Logan Coach; meaning he will hopefully no longer be working on the floor, but actually using the drafting program he is learning in school. This will at least give him some experience that he can later list on his resume. We are also hoping it means a raise, but it hasn't really come up yet. As for school, it looks like he will be graduating in March. (Hopefully). I am still in school and currently doing what I pray is the last math class I have to take for my major. I really am terrible at math. I'm just trying to get it out of the way. I'm still not working. I am just a stay at home mom. Which in reality is a full time job in and of itself. With Michael still behind I'm speech life is always an adventure. In the next few months he will be undergoing more evaluations to see if he qualifies for the preschool down on the island. They work with a lot of kids like him. I pray that he does. Not only would it help with speech but it would also get him time to socialize more than once a week at nursery. As for the youngest member of the family, Benjamin is growing up so fast! It really doesn't feel like it's been seven months since he was born. He is so active! He loves to play and army crawl around. He eats all he can get his hands on. And is getting the top four teeth. His smiles bring so much light into my life. And his little chuckle is the cutest thing in the world. I honesty can't imagine my life without him, without either of the boys really.


When I got pregnant with Michael there was a lot of skepticism, which hurt if I'm telling the truth. Yes I am a young mother, but I've always wanted to be a mom. I mean just ask my mother! When I was little I had over a hundred imaginary children. Not kidding. I also used to breastfeed my baby dolls... There are so many things I've been unsure of in my life, but getting pregnant so early was never one of them. And looking back at the way things happened ; let's just say that I'm grateful I'm still here. I still have my struggles, but I have to believe that they are all worth it. If I had succeeded in taking my life so many years ago, I'd have missed so many worthwhile things. That doesn't mean I haven't made mistakes since then, but I've learned from them.
I still have a lot to learn, because I'm not perfect. Not in the least... I just hope that I'm strong enough. I want to be strong enough for my boys.

Adjusting or Trying

Many will remember my post about postpartum depression after Michael was born. Well two times is the charm? Hopefully anyways. I've suffered with depression for a long time, but I never realized that things would get worse after each of my children. It's not that I'm not trying to get better, in all reality I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in classes through Western Governors... but with each class I am less motivated and each time I log onto the computer to do homework I end up watching shows instead. (It really doesn't help that the class I'm in currently is World History, which I hate). And when I end up watching shows all day so does Michael, which makes me feel like even more of a failure as a mom. I'm supposed to be a better example by getting him out and about right? Taking him to the library or to the park while it's still warm. My fear is that this is going to happen every time I have another baby. And for those wondering, that won't be for at least a couple years...
Now please believe that I do have better days. Days where I make myself get outside and go for a walk, or run errands. Lately the former has been less appealing because my nice jogger has a flat tire and we can't figure out why. But I still try to make myself get out, even if it is just around the block. I really miss having two cars! Maybe once Tyler finishes school and gets a better job we can afford something? Well, at least once we get the one we currently have fixed. Either way, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm afraid of being like this. I know it isn't good for anyone in my family; especially my children. I want them to have it all... but how can I give it to them when I feel so numb?
In other news. Michael got into the Up to 3 program here in Logan to help with his speech. And we have seen a little improvement, but we definitely still have a long road ahead of us. As well as working on his speech we are still trying to figure out what he is allergic to. We are starting to slowly lower the amount of medications he is on and once we are done we can test him for eggs again. My fingers are crossed that it isn't eggs, because avoiding them has been a nightmare! On the other hand if it is at least we wouldn't have to do anymore tests. And even more news for Michael is that we have started using the potty! Usually it is just in the morning and before he goes to bed; mainly because I'm bad at monitoring time. But he has been really good at not fighting and really trying. So yay! My little boy is growing up!

Where did this little boy go?

Moving Forward

I think I've mentioned before how hard it's been for me to make friends. I'm not saying I don't have any; it's just difficult for me to put myself in situations where I'm able to make new friends. This has been the same ever since I first moved out to Utah. But as a stay-at-home mom I'm really starting to lose my mind not having friends to go out with or plan play dates. In all honesty, I just need more reasons to get out of the house! With Michael and his speech, we've discussed that it might help for him to be in more social situations during the week. However, we can't afford daycare and since I'm not working there isn't really a reason for it. But I would like him to be around kids his own age. I just don't really know where to start. I know that there are a couple days a week where they have reading time at the library, but with only one car it isn't always the easiest to get there. Not that I mind riding the bus, but it isn't always fun loading and unloading a stroller (especially when the small one is usually stuck in the trunk when I decide to go anywhere). And I'm no stranger to walking, but with how hot it's been the last week or so I can only do that a couple times a week. So what do I do? Not only do I need out, but Michael does too. When we are home, I'm sad to say, we watch a lot of shows/movies. Screen time management is really hard, mostly because my migraines have been more frequent. I'm hoping that if I can get him into doing other activities, it won't be as bad when I do have a migraine and turn a show on for him.

Moving on... I'm always halfway through my third class this semester. And it isn't terrible but at the same time it's hard to manage class and two kids. (I'ts also hard to just find the motivation to do my assignments). I really would like to graduate and have a college degree for when I finally decide to go back to work, but I just don't know if this is what I want to do or if it's what I'm meant to do. Right now I'm studying to get my teaching degree in elementary ed. I love kids and loved working with them the times that I worked at Little Red Sirens, or Little Wonders. I just don't know anymore. There are so many things that I wish I could do better or that I'd like to try. I'm just mediocre at most things and don't know where I'd go to get better. I'd love to improve my photography, I'd love to get back to writing (if I could find something worth writing about), and I'd love to go back to playing cello/be better at cello. The only thing I've gotten back into even just a little is reading and even that is a little here, a little there.

I feel like most of this blog has just been me rambling... my point is that I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I love being a mom and it is definitely a blessing; but I need more to do. I feel like I need a purpose. I need something I'm really good at... something I can share with those around me.

Mother of Two

So I haven't really been on the computer since my stroke. With how my handwriting suffered I wasn't really in a rush to find out how bad my typing was. But I am going to give this a try. Life with two little boys is hard, I'm not going to lie. However, I feel extremely blessed to be the mother to these two amazing children. They really are children of God and it shows in everything they do; especially when it comes to Michael. I feel so blessed to watch him grow and learn. Even if there are times when he has an attitude and drives me up a wall I still love him. When he throws tantrums or does the opposite of what we tell him I just have to remember that he is only two and will learn if we continue to teach him. I never would have thought that life would lead us to where we are now. If you asked us where we'd be two years ago we would have told you we would still be in Hawaii while Tyler did nursing school. I guess that wasn't the plan though. I never thought we'd be starting over for the third time in our marriage; but that's what happens when you move across an ocean. Not that I'm complaining, we enjoyed our time in Hilo and wouldn't change it for anything. But the way things are going it's hard not to think about where we would be if we hadn't moved. Anyway I'm getting off track. Benjamin in a little over two weeks old and he is such a good baby. He sleeps a lot still, but that's normal. He is getting better at nursing which I'm very grateful for... He is also well above where they expected his weight to be. All in all we couldn't be happier. The only complaint I have at the moment is that because Michael isn't sleeping in his own room, it is sometimes a guessing game on if he wakes up when I feed Benjamin. So far there have been a couple nights where he wakes up at four when Tyler gets up to get ready for work (coincidentally also a time Benjamin has picked to eat most nights) and won't go back to sleep until after five. My hope is that we will have the opportunity to get Michael comfortable sleeping in his own bed and own room. As for being a big brother, Michael loves it. The first time he came to visit us in the hospital he was more interested in eating my cookie, but he has gradually warmed up to having a little one around. He loves to come up and give him kisses, always wants to lay next to him, is really good at patting his tummy when he is upset, and he loves to hold his brother. In fact he loves holding him so much that no one else is allowed to touch Benjamin when he is holding him. (It is quite hilarious). We moved into our own apartment this week, meaning it has been me at home alone with the boys until Tyler gets home from work. He took this week off of school in order to help me get adjusted to being with the boys by myself. So far it hasn't been terrible. I'm really trying to get away from watching TV all day so hopefully soon we will be able to navigate the bus system. Then my next big thing is going to the park hoping that Michael understands that I also have brother. Eventually I will get this two kids thing down, everyone else does right? Until then I guess I'll just do the best I can and be grateful for any help I get.

Update: I wrote this a couple months ago, but never published it. Benjamin is now over two months old and doing great! He has almost doubled his birth weight and is such a happy baby. Michael continues to be a great big brother! Every time Benjamin cries, Michael is right there to pat him and give him a hug. And although there are times when Michael wants me to come with him and I can't because I'm feeding Benjamin, he is slowly understanding that I will help him as soon as I can. Emphasis on slowly, because he is only two and still has a big temper. As for Michael and his development, I finally broke down and started the evaluation process for speech therapy. His next two evaluations are this week and we are praying that they go well. I just want to be able to help him communicate more and get back up to where other kids his age are.