Where has all the time gone?

It's been a ridiculously long time since I've posted a new blog post. Mostly because life became one big thing after the next. I guess the normal thing to do would be to fill everyone in on all the ins and outs of the Schiffman family. But really I just need a place to vent. There's all these blogs and forums for parents that go through loss-but I can never bring myself to post on them or reach out to someone. Mostly because I feel like my pain, my suffering, my loss isn't comparable to others. They've lost more than me. Who am I to be down when I still have a little girl after this whole debockle? I carried twins for 32 weeks (34? I don't remember anymore). I had two lives growing inside of me and now have one three year old. Every time I think back to everything leading up to that last week I wonder what it is I could have done differently. I lifted a heavy box from my classroom we'd cleaned out; could that have set things in motion? I wasn't as active as I should have been. Every thought leads back to me asking, am I at fault? So many others out there would say no, things just happen sometimes. Over the last three years I've tried to move past it. I'm teaching, which I mostly enjoy. I mean, like any job out there it's bound to have ups and downs. I have three kids that are usually well behaved. (Aside from summer break because ya know: ADHD, autism, and anxiety do so well without schedules). I wrote and self published a book for crying out loud and started working on the next one. Yet, I still find myself triggered and crying over the most random things. Be it cleaning out the baby furniture so we can finish our basement, or reading a book where they have a baby. I always go back to those questions. What could I have done differently? There is a part of me, small as it is, that wonders if this is my punishment for all the things I've done. I snuck out in high school. Dated people I shouldn't have. I left the church I grew up in because I didn't ever feel like I belonged. Is this my punishement for all of that? Because if so, screw that. Another part says hey, maybe things do just happen and some day, somewhere down the line things won't be like this anymore. Maybe my books will take off and I'll be famous (doubtful). Maybe as my daughter grows it'll get easier after there's no more "firsts". Maybe, just maybe it'll all fade into the background as more important things take precedence. Anyway- thanks for listening if you stuck around for the rant. I'll be okay, someday.