Adjusting or Trying

Many will remember my post about postpartum depression after Michael was born. Well two times is the charm? Hopefully anyways. I've suffered with depression for a long time, but I never realized that things would get worse after each of my children. It's not that I'm not trying to get better, in all reality I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in classes through Western Governors... but with each class I am less motivated and each time I log onto the computer to do homework I end up watching shows instead. (It really doesn't help that the class I'm in currently is World History, which I hate). And when I end up watching shows all day so does Michael, which makes me feel like even more of a failure as a mom. I'm supposed to be a better example by getting him out and about right? Taking him to the library or to the park while it's still warm. My fear is that this is going to happen every time I have another baby. And for those wondering, that won't be for at least a couple years...
Now please believe that I do have better days. Days where I make myself get outside and go for a walk, or run errands. Lately the former has been less appealing because my nice jogger has a flat tire and we can't figure out why. But I still try to make myself get out, even if it is just around the block. I really miss having two cars! Maybe once Tyler finishes school and gets a better job we can afford something? Well, at least once we get the one we currently have fixed. Either way, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm afraid of being like this. I know it isn't good for anyone in my family; especially my children. I want them to have it all... but how can I give it to them when I feel so numb?
In other news. Michael got into the Up to 3 program here in Logan to help with his speech. And we have seen a little improvement, but we definitely still have a long road ahead of us. As well as working on his speech we are still trying to figure out what he is allergic to. We are starting to slowly lower the amount of medications he is on and once we are done we can test him for eggs again. My fingers are crossed that it isn't eggs, because avoiding them has been a nightmare! On the other hand if it is at least we wouldn't have to do anymore tests. And even more news for Michael is that we have started using the potty! Usually it is just in the morning and before he goes to bed; mainly because I'm bad at monitoring time. But he has been really good at not fighting and really trying. So yay! My little boy is growing up!

Where did this little boy go?

Moving Forward

I think I've mentioned before how hard it's been for me to make friends. I'm not saying I don't have any; it's just difficult for me to put myself in situations where I'm able to make new friends. This has been the same ever since I first moved out to Utah. But as a stay-at-home mom I'm really starting to lose my mind not having friends to go out with or plan play dates. In all honesty, I just need more reasons to get out of the house! With Michael and his speech, we've discussed that it might help for him to be in more social situations during the week. However, we can't afford daycare and since I'm not working there isn't really a reason for it. But I would like him to be around kids his own age. I just don't really know where to start. I know that there are a couple days a week where they have reading time at the library, but with only one car it isn't always the easiest to get there. Not that I mind riding the bus, but it isn't always fun loading and unloading a stroller (especially when the small one is usually stuck in the trunk when I decide to go anywhere). And I'm no stranger to walking, but with how hot it's been the last week or so I can only do that a couple times a week. So what do I do? Not only do I need out, but Michael does too. When we are home, I'm sad to say, we watch a lot of shows/movies. Screen time management is really hard, mostly because my migraines have been more frequent. I'm hoping that if I can get him into doing other activities, it won't be as bad when I do have a migraine and turn a show on for him.

Moving on... I'm always halfway through my third class this semester. And it isn't terrible but at the same time it's hard to manage class and two kids. (I'ts also hard to just find the motivation to do my assignments). I really would like to graduate and have a college degree for when I finally decide to go back to work, but I just don't know if this is what I want to do or if it's what I'm meant to do. Right now I'm studying to get my teaching degree in elementary ed. I love kids and loved working with them the times that I worked at Little Red Sirens, or Little Wonders. I just don't know anymore. There are so many things that I wish I could do better or that I'd like to try. I'm just mediocre at most things and don't know where I'd go to get better. I'd love to improve my photography, I'd love to get back to writing (if I could find something worth writing about), and I'd love to go back to playing cello/be better at cello. The only thing I've gotten back into even just a little is reading and even that is a little here, a little there.

I feel like most of this blog has just been me rambling... my point is that I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I love being a mom and it is definitely a blessing; but I need more to do. I feel like I need a purpose. I need something I'm really good at... something I can share with those around me.

Mother of Two

So I haven't really been on the computer since my stroke. With how my handwriting suffered I wasn't really in a rush to find out how bad my typing was. But I am going to give this a try. Life with two little boys is hard, I'm not going to lie. However, I feel extremely blessed to be the mother to these two amazing children. They really are children of God and it shows in everything they do; especially when it comes to Michael. I feel so blessed to watch him grow and learn. Even if there are times when he has an attitude and drives me up a wall I still love him. When he throws tantrums or does the opposite of what we tell him I just have to remember that he is only two and will learn if we continue to teach him. I never would have thought that life would lead us to where we are now. If you asked us where we'd be two years ago we would have told you we would still be in Hawaii while Tyler did nursing school. I guess that wasn't the plan though. I never thought we'd be starting over for the third time in our marriage; but that's what happens when you move across an ocean. Not that I'm complaining, we enjoyed our time in Hilo and wouldn't change it for anything. But the way things are going it's hard not to think about where we would be if we hadn't moved. Anyway I'm getting off track. Benjamin in a little over two weeks old and he is such a good baby. He sleeps a lot still, but that's normal. He is getting better at nursing which I'm very grateful for... He is also well above where they expected his weight to be. All in all we couldn't be happier. The only complaint I have at the moment is that because Michael isn't sleeping in his own room, it is sometimes a guessing game on if he wakes up when I feed Benjamin. So far there have been a couple nights where he wakes up at four when Tyler gets up to get ready for work (coincidentally also a time Benjamin has picked to eat most nights) and won't go back to sleep until after five. My hope is that we will have the opportunity to get Michael comfortable sleeping in his own bed and own room. As for being a big brother, Michael loves it. The first time he came to visit us in the hospital he was more interested in eating my cookie, but he has gradually warmed up to having a little one around. He loves to come up and give him kisses, always wants to lay next to him, is really good at patting his tummy when he is upset, and he loves to hold his brother. In fact he loves holding him so much that no one else is allowed to touch Benjamin when he is holding him. (It is quite hilarious). We moved into our own apartment this week, meaning it has been me at home alone with the boys until Tyler gets home from work. He took this week off of school in order to help me get adjusted to being with the boys by myself. So far it hasn't been terrible. I'm really trying to get away from watching TV all day so hopefully soon we will be able to navigate the bus system. Then my next big thing is going to the park hoping that Michael understands that I also have brother. Eventually I will get this two kids thing down, everyone else does right? Until then I guess I'll just do the best I can and be grateful for any help I get.

Update: I wrote this a couple months ago, but never published it. Benjamin is now over two months old and doing great! He has almost doubled his birth weight and is such a happy baby. Michael continues to be a great big brother! Every time Benjamin cries, Michael is right there to pat him and give him a hug. And although there are times when Michael wants me to come with him and I can't because I'm feeding Benjamin, he is slowly understanding that I will help him as soon as I can. Emphasis on slowly, because he is only two and still has a big temper. As for Michael and his development, I finally broke down and started the evaluation process for speech therapy. His next two evaluations are this week and we are praying that they go well. I just want to be able to help him communicate more and get back up to where other kids his age are.

What Do You Do When...

So most of the time I feel like a decent mother. I'm able to get Michael dressed, feed him real food, and make sure that he doesn't spend the whole day in front of the tv. But other days that just doesn't happen. All the doctors say kids shouldn't have more than two hours of screen time a day. They also say that kids Michael's age should be able to talk more, put words together and such. And I guess I understand that, but what do you do when there are days that simply doesn't happen or you know your child understands words but doesn't say them? Take today for example. I really haven't had very much energy today so I decided to watch a movie with him. Not so bad right? Well then instead of actual food for lunch we just snacked. So that isn't so terrible, everyone has days like that. But what about the fact that mommy is the only one that has gotten a nap today and boy watched tv the entire time I was asleep. I don't want to feel like I'm doing a bad job at being a parent... but today that's how it's going. The fact that my two year old son knows how to turn the downstairs tv on and off now concerns me and makes me question what I'm doing wrong. It doesn't help that we can't get outside though either because it's supposed to rain for the entire week. Some people would suggest going to the library or trying to get to a play place (Chick-fil-a or McDonalds) at least there he can run around and get rid of some energy. And I'm not saying those aren't good suggestions, but for a stay at home mom with no car most of the time that isn't the easiest thing to do. I love my son with all my heart and I want to be a good mother for him. So what do I do? We read together, we dance to pandora, and we color every once in a while. He also has tons of toys that he likes to play with. But is that enough?

The Blessing and Curse of Co-sleeping

Quick Update-We made it to Utah! It was a long and arduous process, but we did it. Thanks to all those that helped us! Flights were interesting. We had a ton of bags so the airline lady thought she'd help us and pre-tag our bags so we didn't have to drag them all the way through security; however we didn't hear that part and did it anyway. Our second flight was severely delayed due to the fact that the airport wasn't ready for a plane with stairs. Seriously? We left almost an hour later because of communication problems concerning the fact that our plane had stairs you had to climb in order to board. But without that delay we wouldn't have had to run to our last connecting flight. And what is moving overseas if you don't have to run through the airport?

Co-sleeping. I know, a lot of people have varying opinions on whether you should co-sleep with children or not. Tyler and I kind of fell into co-sleeping with Michael due to living in a one room O'hana for the better part of a year. It isn't that we didn't have a crib for him, he just refused to really ever sleep in it. And things weren't bad, especially after we got a bigger bed, but now that we are back to sleeping on a full sized mattress instead of a queen... I can't do it! It isn't just the fact that Michael is a lot bigger now, or that he is constantly kicking. I think the biggest problem I have now is that I'm six months pregnant and uncomfortable, like always. It is ridiculously hard to sleep when one baby is kicking my insides and the other is kicking, wiggling, and sometimes even headbutting me in his sleep. This is the curse of co-sleeping. So what do we do now? We have to try to get him into his own bed. (Preferably his own room). That, however is going to be an adventure in and of itself. So what blessings have come from co-sleeping? I think the biggest blessing that has come from this situation is the bond I have with my son. He is the most loving and caring little boy I know. And although that can be a bit of a hassle sometimes, it really is sweet. When I am feeling bad or have a migraine, he is always worried about me and gives me hugs. He always wants mom and dad to be happy. The other night when I got up to go to the bathroom (because pregnant women pee on the hour) he cried and screamed until I came back. After that he had a death grip on my neck for the rest of the night. But it really is a blessing. I wouldn't change our decision to co-sleep. However, I don't think I would ever do it again. Nope. This next little boy will always sleep in his own bed during the night. Now the question is how I can say no to this little boy?

Stress, Tears, and Ouchies

Why can't moving be easier? Or could we just put off moving until we have a little more money? (Wouldn't that be the dream). However, I think moving will always be stressful. Right now we are facing the final four days of living in Hilo, Hawaii and still have things to do. We have things to ship, things to sell, and packing to do. Although it doesn't seem like a long list, it's hard to manage when money is tight. The more I even think of shipping our few boxes to the states and how much it is going to cost to check baggage I'm mortified. We have yet to sell our car, which is by far the most important thing that needs to go. And it is because of this that I just wish this whole ordeal was over and done with. The more stressed I become the more I cry. Only fair for a pregnant lady right? But the more stressed I become, the more of an attitude Michael seems to have and the more he cries when things don't go his way. But I guess that is understandable, he feeds off of my energy; so the harder it is for me to be happy, the harder it is for him. Does that make me a bad mother? Haha. I'm just not sure how many breakdowns my dear husband can take though... He puts up with so much from the two of us and asks for so little in return. I wish I could give him something to show how much I appreciate his patience. Through all of the stress and tears, I always find time to worry about my little boy. It seems like the more attitude he acquires, the more of a temper he gets. Not to mention he is becoming more and more adventurous. Combined these two things really scare mommy. I know that it is important for him to fall down and learn the importance of getting back up. But could we please do it without breaking anything? We've already face planted on the sidewalk and head-butted the wall multiple times. I guess Heavenly Father really was looking out for this kid when he gave him a thick skull. But what is there to protect mommy from all the scares that come from having an overly adventurous and temper prone child? Anyway. I think it suffices to say, I will be very happy when this is all over. Please enjoy these pictures of my amazingly cute little boy

need to take more pictures... he grows up too fast

Moving Mayhem

So as the title suggests, we are once again moving. Some may call us crazy for only moving to Hawaii for a year then moving back, but oh well. We know there was a reason for us to move and that is good enough. Whether it was for Tyler to take a break from working at Logan Coach to discover what he really wanted to do in life. If it was to help us become stronger as a couple or whether it was for us to find friends that helped us; whatever it was it happened because it was meant to. However, I am really excited to be going back to Logan, Utah. We are expecting our second little boy and being so far away from family is daunting. I low key also miss the snow. I know Tyler is missing weekends spent up at Beaver. Are we going to miss the sun and beach? Sure, but at the same time, I've never been much of an outdoors person so I'm okay with cold weather as long as I get to curl up in a blanket and watch a movie while sipping on hot chocolate. We were originally looking to move in April right before Michael's second birthday, but like everything in our lives, that plan didn't work out. Because Tyler's work relied on him having a working car we now don't have enough money to stay here that long. We've talked about, and prayed about whether we should buy another car, but it just didn't make very much sense. So here we are praying that we can get back. But just in the last day I've seen the love and support of everyone around us. And I cannot express how much gratitude I feel. The amount of people that have offered to help us, makes my heart feel full. Now, for anyone that really knows me, I hate asking people for help. I just don't feel right, and most of the time I feel like I need to repay them in some way or another. So asking people to help us get back to the mainland was really hard for me. But I know that it is something that needed to happen.