Adjusting or Trying

Many will remember my post about postpartum depression after Michael was born. Well two times is the charm? Hopefully anyways. I've suffered with depression for a long time, but I never realized that things would get worse after each of my children. It's not that I'm not trying to get better, in all reality I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in classes through Western Governors... but with each class I am less motivated and each time I log onto the computer to do homework I end up watching shows instead. (It really doesn't help that the class I'm in currently is World History, which I hate). And when I end up watching shows all day so does Michael, which makes me feel like even more of a failure as a mom. I'm supposed to be a better example by getting him out and about right? Taking him to the library or to the park while it's still warm. My fear is that this is going to happen every time I have another baby. And for those wondering, that won't be for at least a couple years...
Now please believe that I do have better days. Days where I make myself get outside and go for a walk, or run errands. Lately the former has been less appealing because my nice jogger has a flat tire and we can't figure out why. But I still try to make myself get out, even if it is just around the block. I really miss having two cars! Maybe once Tyler finishes school and gets a better job we can afford something? Well, at least once we get the one we currently have fixed. Either way, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm afraid of being like this. I know it isn't good for anyone in my family; especially my children. I want them to have it all... but how can I give it to them when I feel so numb?
In other news. Michael got into the Up to 3 program here in Logan to help with his speech. And we have seen a little improvement, but we definitely still have a long road ahead of us. As well as working on his speech we are still trying to figure out what he is allergic to. We are starting to slowly lower the amount of medications he is on and once we are done we can test him for eggs again. My fingers are crossed that it isn't eggs, because avoiding them has been a nightmare! On the other hand if it is at least we wouldn't have to do anymore tests. And even more news for Michael is that we have started using the potty! Usually it is just in the morning and before he goes to bed; mainly because I'm bad at monitoring time. But he has been really good at not fighting and really trying. So yay! My little boy is growing up!

Where did this little boy go?