Growing Up is Hard

It's been over a month since I've posted. There is a lot happening, but at the same time nothing is happening. Michael is growing up so fast. He never stays swaddled anymore, he always finds a way to wiggle out. Then he has discovered that if he pushes with his feet really hard he can scoot his way all the way across the floor. I am so not ready for all of this to happen yet. Tyler is pretty much done with everything he needs to do to become a CNA; which is super exciting. The next step is for him to pass off vital signs (if his teacher would ever email him back) and take the state test. Then he applies for school... We'll see how that goes. I am so proud of him. I am also scared about where this next step in our lives is going to take us. I mean, are we really going to stay here for the rest of our lives? But are we ready for our lives to change? We live in a basement apartment, where there are way too many spiders and the washer doesn't work. I am constantly finding myself at my in-laws house because I either have nothing to do or because I have to do laundry. What am I doing? I am currently sitting at home watching a bunch of Lifetime movies that are about pregnant teenagers and bad relationships. Most of them are really weird... I think I have no life. I want to be out and about, but at the same time I don't. So this isn't something that I usually just put out there... I really just need to let it out. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with clinical depression. And I really don't know why but I just always seemed to blame myself for things that happened to the people I love. When I moved to Utah I got even worse, then I found Tyler and things got a little better. Then I had baby. I love Michael more than anything! And I don't know what I would do without this little angel in my life, but it isn't all perfect. With my history of depression it wasn't a huge surprise when after Michael was born I had really bad postpartum... well still do. I am on medication for it, which I hate. Before I got pregnant I got to the point where I didn't need pills anymore. I hate that I have to be on them. I am having a really hard time getting out of the house. I want to do things, I start things but never finish them... and I know that I have friends here but sometimes I just feel like I'm all alone. I have Tyler and I know that he loves me more than anything but we need time with friends. We need to enjoy things that we used to do. I need someone to watch chick flicks with... he needs someone to go paintballing with...