Trying to Believe in Faith

I wish I could say that life is grand and that living in Hawaii truly is paradise. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it is... but right now not so much. It was a year ago, not too long after Michael was born, that Tyler told me that we were meant to move here. To my surprise I followed that feeling and followed him here. With multiple promptings and a confirmation from the Holy Ghost, what was I supposed to do? I made a commitment that I would follow Tyler wherever we were meant to go, and I still will. But sometimes I start to wonder if we are really meant to be here. Then other times I try to understand why. Trust me, it does nothing but give you a huge headache when you try to understand the grand design of your life. It wasn't until the other day when Tyler told me how he felt that I really started to question faith. Why are we here? How could this be where we are supposed to be when through everything we do we fall flat. One thing after another goes wrong and we are stuck in this perpetual questioning state. Trying to comfort Tyler I talked about how all of these things are going wrong because we are meant to be here and someone really wants us to give in and go back to Utah. Why else would it be so hard? I also tried to find the blessings that we have seen since moving here. We have a great ward family and because of them we have an apartment. Although it isn't much, it is more than we would have without them. We have food on our table (figurative speech- we don't actually own a table) and we have jobs that pay for other needs. What more could we want? To be honest? There are many things we miss about Utah and being close to family. Monday is Memorial Day meaning his family is most likely spending the weekend boating if the weather is nice. We miss that, being able to spend time with family, we miss Sunday dinners and we miss having the knowledge that we could see family. Now although we are starting to make friends here it is still hard... I want to believe that we are here for a reason. I want to believe that things are going wrong because we are meant to be here. But it is hard to keep the faith when you start to break. It is hard to say everything will be alright when the car breaks, gets fixed then breaks again. The car that Ty depends on for work. It is hard to have faith when doctors say your little one needs blood tests to watch his white cell count. It is hard to have faith when you yourself are broken. I want to have faith that there is someone here that needs us. I want to understand that reason, without it... I don't know where we are going to wind up. Tyler and I miss our families and friends and are contemplating whether we should go back or not. Right now I don't know. It sure would make more sense than moving here did. But I am trying to believe in faith. If I don't have faith than what is there? There have been many instances in my life where I've asked myself that question. And some instances where I lost faith completely. I don't want that to happen again.